“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:31-32
Relationships can be difficult; add stress and they become more challenging. Sadly, it’s easy to forget that our illness has an impact on others. While we may be the only party experiencing the actual symptoms, we are most likely not the only ones hurting. For purposes of this discussion, let’s consider three distinct groups: those of us who are truly alone, our friends and our family.
I hope that there is no one truly alone. That said, I realize that there are many who are mostly alone. Whether isolated by illness or events, there are those who don’t have much help, if any. To those of you in this state, consider Psalm 16:5, Psalm 119:57 and Lamentations 3:24 which state that “the Lord is my portion”. He is enough. In the end, it is He who truly provides for us and sustains us. Those who live by this truth are much more content, for they spend their time drawing nearer to God. If this applies to you and you are able, also consider seeking others in similar circumstances to whom you can extend kindness. My aunt told us of one of her neighbors who decided to do this in a very simple fashion. When my uncle died in rural Ohio, there were several women in close proximity who were widowed within a short period of time. This lady would bake a pie, cut it into individual servings and deliver them to the other widows near her, including my aunt. Rather than wallowing in aloneness and foregoing a simple pleasure, she blessed each of her neighbors.
The term “friends” isn’t very specific. While we generally think our friends as people with whom we share our lives, the connotation extends from those that we have met recently to those whom we’ve known most of our lives. However you like to define it, they are generally the people whose company we can enjoy. It is truly a loss when our illness interferes with those relationships; however we need to be careful not to resent the other party if the friendship fades in the wake of illness. First we must remember that with a mobile society, people come and go throughout the course of our lives. There are various causes: people move, the circumstances that brought us together (e.g. a job or schooling) change or end, interests change, or life events (ours and theirs) may prevent us from spending time together. Consequently, we can’t always assume that the other party simply ended the relationship because of our illness. Another issue is the fact that relationships take effort. It really takes two to maintain a relationship. When our health concerns prevent us from equal participation, it’s inappropriate to demand that the other party carry all of the responsibility. If they are able and do, we should be very grateful. However, when they don’t or can’t carry the full load, we may grieve the loss as yet another casualty of our illness, but we should not be bitter. Rather, we should be thankful for whatever enjoyment that they have brought to our life. Finally, there are a few that just cannot abide our illness and cannot bear to see us in any form of pain and it keeps them away. I had one such friend. Despite his own health issues, he could not accept mine. Further, because my faith in God was such a blockade in the relationship, it was difficult to explain my acceptance and hope. Again, grace and gratitude should be the focus. No matter what causes the distance between us and our friends, we should also be mindful that distance or lack of contact does not necessarily mean a loss of affection. There are many people from various parts of my life with whom I have either no or very little contact. Yet I am grateful for them and beauty that they have brought to my life. When I think of them, I smile in fond remembrance. I still care about them, even though our relationship has changed.
The last group is our family. One could go on at length when considering the effects of major illness on the family. Like each of our experiences with illness, every family is different and we need to be sensitive and depend on biblical principles to manage each of these relationships. While some of our friendships may have more depth, familial relationships also carry an implied responsibility…whether or not it, in fact, is reasonable. Further, unlike friendships, our family relationships will remain largely unchanged by the fact that we are ill. Despite our illness, they will still be our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, children and grandchildren and we will either remain close or distant. However, their response can color the relationship. Parents, and especially fathers, feel the need to “fix it”. My father never accepted my illness. As a father I understand that perspective. However, after it became evident that chronic issues was God’s long-term plan for me, I asked Dad to quit praying for healing and pray that I would have the grace to live with it. I fear that did not happen. In fact, it was not until his own body began to fail in old age, that I could even share what it was like to live with chronic illness or what I had learned from it. We must remember that older generations feel a responsibility to the younger ones. As our seniors, we should respect them and be grateful for their love and care. Depending on their age, our children can be the greatest concern. My daughters were in elementary school when I became ill. We shielded them as much as we could without being dishonest, but, when in doubt, we were honest without providing excessive details. I fear that there were times when they carried too much weight. However, I also know that by watching my wife and I, that they are better equipped to handle life’s challenges from a biblical prospective than we were…not because we did it so well, but because they have seen us struggle and grow spiritually through the challenges. Last but certainly, not least, are the relationships with our spouses or significant others. Unless there is illness during courtship, most couples come together with hopes and dreams without considering that they will be derailed by catastrophe. However, life in a sinful world makes that unlikely. Sadly some partners leave the relationship creating yet another hurdle of acceptance. Those that stay have as much to lose as we do. That’s a point that we must be ever mindful of. We both experience the loss of some of our expectations of what our life together should look like. While we endure the illness, they usually become the primary care giver and keep the household running when we cannot. One is not worse than the other. Consider a couple of our family’s experiences. In those early days, a hospital stay meant that I was ill. For my wife it meant going to work, handling our children without help, running all of the errands and caring for me in the hospital. Out of concern for her, I would suggest that she not worry about me, but being a great wife, that was not an option for her. Thankfully, most of my seizures were petit mal seizures and my wife was an expert at detecting them. While I endured them, she would simultaneously calm any concerns our daughters had while tending to me. I have truly been blessed with a steady and caring wife. However, even if she begrudgingly cared for me, the fact that she stayed and took care of my needs should be cause for thankfulness rather than bitterness. In all of these, we need to be sensitive to their concerns as well as our own. This is especially true for those who are our primary care givers whether they are spouses, parents, children, siblings or another.
In our struggles and the isolation that they may bring, we must avoid becoming myopic and self-centered. Rather, we need to remember that at the root of it all, “God is my portion”. He is enough. All of our other good relationships are a bonus. As we deal with our friends, family, medical personnel, etc., “put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful.” Colossians 3:12-15.
If you inclined to read, two very good books on this subject are “Why Can’t I Make People Understand” by Lisa Copen and “The Lies We Believe” by Dr. Chris Thurman. The latter also covers how we view ourselves, our world, and our faith, and how our perceptions may be distorted.