“Blessed be the Lord, for He has made marvelous His lovingkindness to me in a besieged city.” Psalm 31:21
For those of you that follow my blog closely, you may have noticed that my Monday quotes and the verse of the day have dropped off. Life has been a bit challenging and I’ve had to surrender a bit to maintain my sanity. Life with chronic illness is a battle against both known and unknown factors. It is a battle of the mind and soul as well as the body which often leaves one feeling besieged.
“But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hand.” Psalm 31:14-15
That is where I am today…besieged. As I write, I’m sitting in a hotel room at Cleveland Clinic making yet another attempt to gain a better understanding of my health issues by looking at them from a different perspective. Physically, I’m weary from a day of appointments and testing yesterday. In addition to my normal pain, my leg hurts from three biopsy sites. Mentally, I hope for an accurate diagnosis that will allow me to manage my life better, but I fear that the source of my symptoms will remain unknown leaving me with a dread that all of this effort and expense has been in vain. In many ways I feel defeated as my body seems to be a traitor to the rest of my being. Thankfully my soul is in better shape. I’ve been here before…both at the clinic and in the diagnostic process, but this time is different. Despite fatigue, withdrawal from medications, restarting medications, questions rattling around in my mind, etc., I am calmer than I’ve been in the past. It’s been several years since my last visit and during that time God has taught me much about His faithfulness, mercy and lovingkindness. He has used my illness to make me teachable and has instructed me both intellectually and experientially. In other words, He has, as always, been faithful and true to His promises in His care for me. As a result I can truly say: I will rejoice and be glad in God’s lovingkindness, because He has seen my affliction; He has known the troubles of my soul, and He has not given me over into the hand of the enemy; He has set my feet in a large place. (Psalm 31:7-8) Consequently, regardless of the turmoil of my body and mind, my soul is calm and trusts in my Father, my Savior, and my Comforter…in my God blessed forever.
“How great is Your goodness, which You have stored up for those who fear You, which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You, before the sons of men!” Psalm 31:19
I fear that too often we look for God to prove His love for us with a continual parade grandiose gestures rather than taking the time to see the millions of smaller ways that He exhibits His lovingkindness and sustains us. In other words, we fail to appreciate how great His goodness is. With respect to this trip, God’s goodness has certainly been evident.
Before this journey even started, God gave me the name of a specialist through my friend Laura. He provided an appointment two months earlier than originally anticipated. He also kept my calendar free for the whole week which turned out to be quite helpful as I ended up needing to stay an extra day.
I have both anticipated and dreaded this trip for several weeks now. However, as odd as it may seem, the morning that I left I was filled with God’s peace through a pair of tennis shoes. I was packed and ready to go…except I wasn’t sure what shoes to take for my appointments as I was told to dress comfortably and my “winter tennis shoes” had worn out. I was given a pair of Sambas for Christmas, but had to exchange them for the correct size. Just before I got in the car to leave, the shoes were delivered which gave my soul a boost. It was a little detail that had a huge impact with respect to both my mental state and my physical comfort. Further, despite having to discontinue my meds the day before, God provided a good night’s rest so I could drive without being drowsy and the trip was uneventful. This is a trip that I could not have made alone a few years ago…again God is faithful.
Before heading to the clinic, I was blessed by a video from Joni Eareckson Tada that reminded me that when we choose to be joyful in our difficult circumstances, we glorify our Father in Heaven. God helped me to do that and it was noticed. I was further blessed by a day full of caring medical and clerical personnel as well as shuttle drivers. Finally, my specialist was personable, thorough, and caring. And yes, the shoes were perfect.
Throughout this trip I have had family and friends praying for me, checking on me and providing encouragement through texts, calls and social media. The family of God has been as faithful as our Lord in this regard and I have been blessed by it. I was by myself, but not alone at all.
On the grand scale of the universe, all of these details (and others that I haven’t mentioned) are minor and could be easily taken for granted. However, in the light of God’s lovingkindness and faithfulness, they are evidence that His promises are true and that He does care about all of the details of our lives. They help me to readily acknowledge, like David, that God is my rock and my fortress and that He will lead me. To know that God truly cares, that He is our guide and that He is our defense is to let go of much of the angst that we create for ourselves. We may feel besieged, but choosing to take refuge in God defends our souls, lifts our spirits and provides peace amid the turmoil.
Blessed be the Lord, for He has made marvelous His lovingkindness to me in a besieged city.
This is not the post that I originally intended to write, but in searching for scripture for the planned post, Psalm 31 struck a chord that needed to be addressed. (Please consider reading the entire Psalm.) This look into my life has three main points. First, we’re called to testify to God’s goodness as an act of worship and to encourage each other. I pray that I’ve done both of those things. Second, while many of you know this already, I challenge you to look for and be thankful for God’s goodness and provision in the common and smaller details of life. Developing this habit helps us to trust God and find peace when the more difficult trials come along. Finally, due to our sinful nature, faith and trust in our Lord is not innate. It is developed through the work of the Holy Spirit as we repeatedly witness God’s work in us and provision for us throughout the events of our lives. All of the events of my life have not been as pleasant as this one, but I have learned that God is always faithful and at work on my behalf no matter what I face. When you put your hope in Him, He will do that for you as well. Consequently, draw near to Him, trust Him and allow Him to defend you in His time and in His way when you feel besieged by the trials of life.
Did I mention that God delivered my new tennis shoes at just the right time? Yes, it was that big a deal.