In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:6
Demands and expectations can be a source of struggle for anyone. However, for those of us with chronic illness and pain, there is an extra level of frustration. The limitations that our health issues place upon us make it difficult to accomplish what we desire let alone what others would like or feel that we should do. In this regard, we’re often our own worst enemy. We try so hard to rise to the occasion or maintain an appearance of “normalcy” that others believe that we are capable of accomplishing much more than we are truly able to deliver. It is the tug-of-war that that we regularly face which requires much discernment.
We desire to be helpful, useful and involved, yet we must carefully ration out our limited resources. As an accountant, I understand a cost-benefit analysis. However, when it comes to health issues, the evaluation gets a bit confusing. Luke 14:28 asks: “For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it?” As in this query, wisdom demands that we take a physical inventory before we take on a task or event. Do I have the energy and strength endure to completion and/or if I engage here, what do I have to give up later. Is there lasting value if I participate or is it merely a fleeting fancy? Most importantly, is the benefit a spiritual one to myself or someone else? These are just some of the questions that we must sort through before we can commit. On the one hand, we must care for our bodies as they are God’s temple; on the other hand, if there is certain value, we should not pass on the opportunity. The lasting benefit may be as simple as building a relationship, as great as a missionary trip, or somewhere in the middle such as caring for a loved one in addition to meeting our own needs. While given in a slightly different context, Paul’s waning applies. “So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” (Ephesians 5:17) In the end, it’s a matter of stewardship; we must determine whether or not we have the physical ability with reasonable recuperation time as well as whether or not the task or event is something to which God is calling us.
Another area of concern that arises is the mental conflict that others often create. There will be those who assume that we are as capable of assisting as well as anyone else. They further believe that our lack of participation is laziness. Consequently, there may be an attempt to motivate us with guilt or peer pressure. We often acquiesce (to our detriment) because find that option to be more bearable than: trying to explain why we cannot, sharing more about our health concerns than we would like, or enduring their poor estimation of us. It is in these moments I try to keep two things in mind. The first is the motto on my paternal grandmother’s family crest. It said: “Do well and let them say.” I have always understood this to mean that people are always going to have an opinion. Those opinions may or may not be based on all of the facts at hand. Consequently, our behavior should be motivated by doing our best rather than by public opinion. To that end I consider Colossians 3:23, “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.” After all our primary concern should be accomplishing God’s will to the best of our ability given the resources that we have. By maintaining a close relationship with our Lord, we are prepared to avoid letting others’ opinions cloud our judgement. When God calls us, we should always be willing. However, when He does not, we should decline. Learning when to say “no” and how to say it gracefully are additional pieces of our “new normal”.
Finally there is the internal battle. There are the things that we want to do and the things that we should do. It’s simply a matter of want vs. need (or should). Part of accepting God’s will for us is recognizing our limitations and being willing to say no, not only to others, but to ourselves as well. Often times what we view as a need is truly a want. We need to maintain our relationship with our Lord for the sake of our souls. We need to do our best to take care of the bodies that He has given us. We need to arrest the thoughts that drag us down for our mental health. We need to fulfill our role in the body of Christ. However, there are many activities that are wants. For example, gardening brings me pleasure, but it is not a necessity. Consequently, if I have an obligation, I must set gardening aside so that I don’t overexert my body. Then there are gray areas like physical exercise. Even if it is limited, it is an expenditure of time and energy. While it may be beneficial to keep me moving and out of physical therapy, I may need to forego it in light of a more pressing task. Therefore, it is important for us to ask God for discernment so that as situations arise we can approach them without bias. Proverbs 16:2 reminds us that “All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight, but the Lord weighs the motives.” Being disciplined to say “no” to ourselves is yet another part of our “new normal’.
No doubt there will be times when as parents, children, etc. we will be called to do what is beyond our normal capacity. Specifically I think of parents who must meet the needs of their children or others who must care for aging parent, sibling or other relative in spite of their limitations. It is in those moments when we must believe and trust in our Lord’s willingness to sustain our bodies.
So whether it is cost vs. benefit, the will of others vs. Godly calling, or your wants vs. your needs, continually look to the Lord for discernment so that you can be good stewards of the resources that He has provided. Trust and follow His leading and when the demands seem overwhelming, rely on His sustaining grace remembering that: “The steps of a man are established by the Lord, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.” (Psalm 37:23-24)